Τηςπιστεως, that is, the mystery. The apostles early referred to the fact that God’s saving Grace and redemptive plan extends to even the gentiles to include all of mankind as “the mystery.” God reconciling to Himself a people who hated Him and transforming a people who hated His glory into a people who worship it was indeed a great mystery that only made sense in light of the cross and even then it took some time for people to understand the full impact of it.
That’s sort of like now for me. I don’t want to equate what’s happening in my life with the weight and magnitude of THE Gospel, but I’m writing this in the airport of St. Louis, wondering how God could use a fool like me. My question is all the more pertinent as I’m still trying to under the full impact of the acceptance I was just, minutes ago, offered at Covenant Theological Seminary. In fact, just over a week ago I was accepted at Westminster Theological Seminary as well and reality has not quite caught up with me yet.
I brought a copy of “Pilgrim’s Progress” with me for the trip at risk of feeling too cliché for a student journeying to a seminary. Without thinking, I also brought a copy of the English renaissance play, “Tis Pity She’s a Whore”(I need to read it for a class) and the irony is just now becoming clear to me. As much as I’d like to pretend I’m more like Bunyun’s “Christian” (the man desirous of salvation) I am actually more like Ford’s “Annabella” (the whore). Over the summer I realized that one of the reasons I was so hesitant to pursue a vocation in ministry was because I strongly dislike being held accountable. I knew that if I would continue to get paid to minister God’s people I would have people constantly involved in my life and that God would expect me to lead in a lifestyle of repentance and worship. That sounded tiring and kind of unappealing. However, just as the Bible describes Israel, I had whored myself out to other gods, but God took pity on me and made me a pilgrim, whose burden of sin is removed and I’m making progress towards the celestial city. It’s all quite hard to believe sometimes. Like the apostles knew, the mystery takes a while to sink in.
It’s February now in 2009. 2009 is a date that’s been hanging over my head for a while. As soon as I graduated from High School in 2005 we all knew that the only other date that would be of any significance was 2009 (unless you count your 21st birthday). The beginning of my first semester senior year it was still 2008 and I was still dreading the idea of having to wake up early enough to honor God with my time. I didn’t want to “waste” part of my first week by being in meetings and sitting at a sign up table. Wow. God thoroughly blessed our fellowship’s efforts that semester. Looking back on it it’s hard to point to very many things we did differently, but between freshmen move in, sign up tables, and time committed to being with the freshmen, God produced the largest harvest I’ve seen since coming to Muhlenberg. People’s lives were changed before my very eyes. God has drawn some men to Himself and I even slept less than I usually do. Nothing about it was especially easy, but it was remarkably satisfying.
Going into my senior year I had decided to really monitor myself in thought and deed. I wanted to know if I was going to consider my life as ministry or just my activities. When there are Bible studies to prepare for, meetings to plan, outreach contacts to arrange time with, details to handle, an executive team to lead, worship to get ready for and all manner of “ministry” to do it’s quite easy to keep busy with my time. A regular temptation for me is to fall in love with doing things for God, as opposed to actually loving God. In the former it’s all about me, what I can do, how great it feels to be important, and being the hero leader. In the latter it’s all about God and what He’s done for me. Was I considering vocational ministry just because I knew that if I wasn’t getting paid for it I would do it? Every Christian has been “called” to ministry. We are a Priestly Kingdom and all of us have the responsibility of the Great Commission (not only those being paid to do it). Did I need to pursue seminary or mission work a crutch because I wouldn’t otherwise be doing anything to advance the Kingdom?
Sort of. Kind of. I think I can cite more failures than successes over the first semester but the successes had to make me think. In some ways I am a radically different person than I was freshman year. God had been quite faithful to continue His work in me up until this point and I’d be a fool to think He’d stop now. His sanctifying work in me isn’t a hope or pipe dream, but a genuine promise and God is a man of His Word. That’s pretty exciting to think about. That excitement is evidence that I really have fallen in love with God.
I’ve been telling people that my top two choices are Westminster and Covenant. Now I’m accepted to both. Similar to my undergrad decision, I had partly hoped that I would only be accepted to one school and that God would make my decision abundantly clear through those means. I didn’t expect that to actually happen, it would have been too convenient. Besides, the decision at all to even apply and pursue theological education has been one of a handful of decisions that I’ve made out of conviction instead of convenience and I think God’s trying to grow me in that direction.
The Director of Ministry Placement and Alumni Relations guessed that I was an INTP after we talked for fifteen minutes. He recommended that I did not worry about choosing a denomination now. The pastor back at school urged me to walk by faith instead of sight, which means pursuing the seminary that would be best for me, not what is most convenient.
How am I going to pay for all of this? Nearly all full-time Covenant Theological students work jobs as well. I have an aversion to hard work and pushing myself to excel. Despite making the Dean’s List at college very little work has been asked of me. Should I still pick a denomination? How much financial aid will I get? Am I really called to seminary? Am I called to be a pastor?
The Christian life was never promise to be a safe. We don’t follow a set plan, we follow a person. Faith isn’t getting an itinerary first and then agreeing to the trip. It’s trusting that the guide is powerful and good. I don’t need to be asking what God has planned for my whole life, but rather what God wants me to do next. Scary? Sure. Exciting? Absolutly.