Since Hebrew started this summer hasn't looked like the way I had hoped it would be. I'm back to furiously treading water just to keep my head afloat. I've really slipped into a "woe is me" attitude about how busy I've been - it's pathetic. The closer I've gotten to this test the more God has exposed to me just how poorly I've been responding to God's good gifts.
I went through this song and dance last summer during Greek: God gives me more than I can humanely handle (my brain simply just can't grasp this much Hebrew in such a small amount of time), I feel inadequate, and then I despair about it and essentially give up. What I learned last summer was that there are so many more things out of my control in my life than I recognizance on a daily basis. I go about my life as though I am capable of handling it all - as though I don't need God (although he's a nice safety raft I could jump to, hypothetically, should I ever need it). The areas of life I feel competent at are the areas of life that I never give thanks to God for, pray for guidance in, or rely on God for the strength or competency for. I'm like a horse jockey taking all of the credit for how fast my horse can run. He did ALL of the work and I'm accepting the awards for it.
So, when something like my Hebrew class comes around I am confronted with the reality that I simply can not do this by my own strength. It's a serious blow to the illusion I've created of my own basic capability in life. As bruising to my ego as it is, this is God's gracious and loving reminder that I'm just a jockey on his horse.
My response is the problem. I respond in despair and approach the upcoming test with a fatalistic sense of pervading hopelessness. God wants me to feel incapable, but still wants me to respond with joyful vigor. Whatever the result of Friday's test, if I earn any points I'm going to have no choice but to attribute them to God's grace. God is always asking us to do impossible things and expects us to trust in Him as we do it and then give him the credit for it. It's going to look like sweat and effort on our part. It's a call to spend ourselves entirely - not having hold back because we know that succeed or fail we are dearly loved Children of God and that the impossible tasks he asks us to do are secondary goals to knowing him better.
If you read this before Friday you can pray that:
I'd see the necessity of disciplined study
I'd know the joy of doing something excellently as God desires me to
My brain could absorb this knowledge
I'd see the bigger picture - that I'm not just memorizing vocab and paradigms, but I'm being equipped to serve God's people in a more robust way
I'd rejoice in incapability (so that I might experience God's capability).
We have next week off from classes - I'll add a big summer update during that time!