Between the last week of classes and the week of finals I had more work asked of me than I considered humanely possible. The sheer quantity of it had my head swimming. I’m a big picture person who kinda needs to get a grasp on how the whole thing would fit together but the enormity of some of my tasks was so large that I easily got weighed down in the details and felt like I couldn’t keep my head up long enough to catch a breath.
I remember one specific moment where none of it felt fun, doable, or worth it. It was a particular moment where I felt distinct displeasure. It was great. The starkness of the moment actually allowed me to see it as completely in contrast to the rest of my semester. It’s not that the rest of the semester has been easy or all happy-go-lucky, but that in the midst of the past semester’s difficulty I had always been happy to be doing what I’m doing. I was intellectually, physically, and emotionally exhausted, but I had exhausted myself doing something I loved to be doing. To have one moment out of a semester where I didn’t want to be doing this made me realize how blessed I am that I get to do what I want to be doing.
There were sleepless nights full of paper writing and test taking. There was desperation in finding sources to cite. There was an incomplete assignment I simply had to let go of and hand in as is. I confused deadlines and was pushed well beyond my limits. And all of it was good – because I had no choice but to rely on God. As my huge pile of work gradually got smaller and as I saw God being faithful to allow me to complete one task, I got to a point where I could not be cynical anymore. In times where I am asked to leave comfort behind and work hard at an impossible task my typical pattern in life has always been to despair. I’d lower my and everyone’s expectations. I’d sit around and hope for someone to help/excuse me. However, as God was faithful it became more and more difficult to despair. Eventually, finals ended and I grew closer to God through it. It’s pretty great.
I remember one specific moment where none of it felt fun, doable, or worth it. It was a particular moment where I felt distinct displeasure. It was great. The starkness of the moment actually allowed me to see it as completely in contrast to the rest of my semester. It’s not that the rest of the semester has been easy or all happy-go-lucky, but that in the midst of the past semester’s difficulty I had always been happy to be doing what I’m doing. I was intellectually, physically, and emotionally exhausted, but I had exhausted myself doing something I loved to be doing. To have one moment out of a semester where I didn’t want to be doing this made me realize how blessed I am that I get to do what I want to be doing.
There were sleepless nights full of paper writing and test taking. There was desperation in finding sources to cite. There was an incomplete assignment I simply had to let go of and hand in as is. I confused deadlines and was pushed well beyond my limits. And all of it was good – because I had no choice but to rely on God. As my huge pile of work gradually got smaller and as I saw God being faithful to allow me to complete one task, I got to a point where I could not be cynical anymore. In times where I am asked to leave comfort behind and work hard at an impossible task my typical pattern in life has always been to despair. I’d lower my and everyone’s expectations. I’d sit around and hope for someone to help/excuse me. However, as God was faithful it became more and more difficult to despair. Eventually, finals ended and I grew closer to God through it. It’s pretty great.