I never really found a great rhythm to life this first full semester. I didn’t develop healthy routines or habits. Those of you who know me best will be shocked, but I definitely erred on the side of spending too much time doing schoolwork this semester.
Don’t get me wrong: this semester was good in lots of ways too. I just too often used the huge schoolwork load as an excuse for me to hold back from all of those great things. I easily hid behind “obligations” to work and quickly dismissed great opportunities to use my time for more than just filling my head with knowledge. I held myself back from a lot of “Life” in the name of trying to be a good student. However, more often than not I would decline a social invitation, citing my need to study, and then instead of actually studying I would stare at my computer or read pointless articles. My time ended up not being used for anything good.
- I didn’t meet as many people as I would have liked.
- I wasn’t involved at a church (except attendance on Sunday mornings)
- Chores like laundry, room cleaning, bills, correspondence were all ignored until I couldn’t ignore them any more.
- I wasn’t involved in a non-academic bible study.
- I was regularly physically active.
- My work schedual had me working Friday nights so I missed the “best” opportunities to go to parties and hang out.
- I took very little time for prayer.
- I wasn’t very invested in relationships with other people and I haven’t taken the time to find someone who is going to invest in me. I know things take time, but when I think about who knows me best here and who has asked the most questions of me, I come up with a pathetically short list. This is mostly because I haven’t’ demonstrated that commitment to anyone else.
Don’t get me wrong: this semester was good in lots of ways too. I just too often used the huge schoolwork load as an excuse for me to hold back from all of those great things. I easily hid behind “obligations” to work and quickly dismissed great opportunities to use my time for more than just filling my head with knowledge. I held myself back from a lot of “Life” in the name of trying to be a good student. However, more often than not I would decline a social invitation, citing my need to study, and then instead of actually studying I would stare at my computer or read pointless articles. My time ended up not being used for anything good.
As a result, I constantly felt under a huge weight from the pile of work that was “to be done.” Going out of town for five days for the wedding, having formerly been a theater major that didn’t prepare me academically, having to work nights, being one of the youngest here, etc, etc, made me feel like I was some special case. I just wanted to be vindicated in my despair over the difficulties of school. It was amazing how quickly I forgot what God taught me over the summer. God doesn’t want me to feel as though I have it all together and am capable of doing anything. In fact, God wants me to feel inadequate to the task he has put before me. God wants me to recognize my inadequacies and to respond by joyfully relying on him. Instead I responded by despairing.
Not too long ago when I finished a mildly major assignment for my preaching class and I got to e
experience positive fruit of my labor and to see success in something that I have been skilled and gifted in snapped me back into focus. God has ALWAYS been faithful. My successes have been gifts from God that he has called me to cooperate with. It is foolish and arrogant to think that I will have to finish without him.
So, this is what Christians call “failing in the right direction.” Trail and Error. Live and Learn. To know that I actually overemphasized school work at all is sign of growth in me; albeit an odd one. I will likely be lengthening my time in Seminary from 3 years to 3.5 years. I’m excited to continue learning ways to better balance my time and to master my schedule instead of being mastered by it.
Not too long ago when I finished a mildly major assignment for my preaching class and I got to e
experience positive fruit of my labor and to see success in something that I have been skilled and gifted in snapped me back into focus. God has ALWAYS been faithful. My successes have been gifts from God that he has called me to cooperate with. It is foolish and arrogant to think that I will have to finish without him.
So, this is what Christians call “failing in the right direction.” Trail and Error. Live and Learn. To know that I actually overemphasized school work at all is sign of growth in me; albeit an odd one. I will likely be lengthening my time in Seminary from 3 years to 3.5 years. I’m excited to continue learning ways to better balance my time and to master my schedule instead of being mastered by it.